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i am addicted to caffeine. it’s okay, i admit it. it’s not anything i’m mentally attached to – just physically.
it all began last summer. i’ve always hated coffee, and much preferred tea. to me, coffee is bitter and too acidic, and makes you poop a lot. i have to add at least five sugars and a load of soy milk to make it even palatable. but last summer i got really tired. i have always been unable to make myself go to sleep at a “reasonable” hour, and the three conferences i went to were no exception. generally conference organizers know that the attendees will be tired, and so graciously provide coffee. at the RAN summit i was drinking 2-3 cups a day with no results. this from the person who would normally be shaking after half a cup. not good.
fast-forward to the Fall semester, my final semester, where i started drinking coffee at the Writing Center. i drank coffee to pull all-nighters for paper writing and exam studying. i basically forgot how to make my brain function without stimulants. the first couple months of my internship have been really busy – lots of phonebanking. i needed motivation to make those calls and power through. and there was an abundance of coffee!
i’ve never wanted to rely on anything to be functional. i remember, as a kid, seeing my parents need their coffee to wake up, and deciding i would stick to orange juice. i don’t like the idea of needing coffee, or anything (besides allergy medicine; that i’m okay with).
but recently i’ve started getting really tired in the afternoons, and a big headache will blossom across my forehead by lunch time, only to disappear after a half cup of coffee.
it seems ridiculous that my body would become dependent in less than a year, though that seems to be the case. but no more. i really like being caffeinated, but it only compensates for the fact that i don’t get enough sleep, and i run myself ragged. i need to figure out how to take care of myself and function without that buzz.
it just means i’ll have to deal with headaches for a while.
Could someone clarify why
there’s no structured narrative?
No neat storyline to explain
last weekend was wonderful, and much needed.
on saturday i woke up and wandered into the living room – i love that my roommates computer in the living room instead of in their separate rooms. so we semi-interact while staring at screens, it’s nice. one of my roommates, vero, said that she was going to the park [Golden Gate] before work. having yet to explore it, i was excited to join. the park is fantastic. miles of winding paths through the woods, in addition to open fields next to lakes, museums and gardens. i’ve never seen trees so tall. afterward, i decided it was time to finally enjoy the beach – seeing as it’s a 15 minute ride away, at most. the weather has been perfect for the past couple weeks: sunny and cool. i laid in the sun all afternoon. the beach is different from the beaches of florida in several ways: the sand is dark and sparkly, there are huge mountainous sand dunes that you can walk on, huge hills rise in the distance, and, obviously, the pacific is freezing.
on sunday i decided to go back to the beach, because, well, why not? it was clearer that saturday but, to my dismay, the wind was so strong that i was covered by sand in five seconds. i could have dealt with sand, but the wind here is balls cold. so i explored the area a little bit, walking down a trail to the main part of Ocean Beach, and realized that Golden Gate Park extends all the way to the ocean. i was feeling contemplative, in the mood to be outside, and i figured that the wind would be a lot less oppressive when blocked by the trees. so i embarked on what became a 40 block hike through hilly trails – all the way home. i could have walked twice as long, the day was so beautiful.
aside from exploring, i cooked and baked – some projects ending more successfully than others. i’m starting to see why people love it here. it’s unbelievable that one small place could be at once a thriving city with great public transportation and tons to do, a wilderness with gigantic trees and calming trails, and a beach town. i only hope the weather stays this nice. at least for a little while longer.
this weekend i anticipate more of the same. i want to straighten my room and clean for when my parents arrive (tuesday!), but i also want to spend a lot of time outside, thinking and reading. and getting over all this sickness.
i wish i could sleep.
