hold on
to the corners of today
we’ll fold them up to save until it’s needed

stand still
let me scrub that brackish line
that you got when something rose and then receded

sometimes there’s no more for me to say. i wish that i could take pictures of moments – like a photographer from the periphery. i wish i could capture the softness of those eyes, the tilt of that smile. the quiet calm of those moments i can’t disturb for a flash. moments i’ll never be able to catch. or hold onto. so i’ll try to remember the feeling, and fold it up to save until it’s needed.

coming back together

things are happening. i can’t even attempt a coherent post at this point, so i won’t. te’s here; it’s pretty great. i’m getting words for thoughts i thought made me crazy, or at least a person with inescapably inexplicable thoughts/doubts/fears. i’m learning a lot, growing a lot, really fast. i have nothing particularly profound to say – only vague. i’m good at vague. i’ve been keeping up with writing things down. i’ll expand on some of them in here soon. life’s scary, but fear can be productive. or maybe that’s just baseless way of making myself feel better for now.

i already knew i’d fallen apart
but that’s the first time i noticed
that i was
slowly
but surely
coming back together.

i’ve been waiting months to say that.

Home: it seems i leave and you stay

there’s so much emphasis placed on moving away. i hadn’t felt homesick here until this past month. well, not in the way i would traditionally think of homesickness. it’s more like being lost, totally uprooted, and disconnected from the things i love. not a sharp pain, an ache. i’m starting to realize the importance of staying, of going back, of home. there’s so much glory in going away. of severing ties or letting them die, of being free in the ability to leave. i want to find the freedom in staying. i want to mend those ties. what’s that song about tendons stretching across the country to reach each other. ah, yeah:

When we’re on different sides of the globe
I thought we’d keep our veins tangled
like a pair of mic cables,
And if there ain’t enough slack to reach
that we’d solder them together
and across oceans they’d stretch.

– Why?, Gemini (birthday song)

sometimes it feels like things are coming together.

You’ve gone away enough

If the light takes you in will you know where you’ve been all this time
At the edge of a cliff you could almost just slip down the side
When there’s so much to do don’t you wish you could make up your mind?
But it knows it’s elusive, it grows and it burns you inside

With my eyes mostly closed like a person who knows how to drown
I’ll squint at the sun and my shoulders will pray for the ground
Let’s throw something over, imagine it’s us falling down
And thinking of death we will watch without making a sound

But it’s just the way you are you don’t have to be afraid
The way you look at the stars and how you think that they were made
The motion will never stop turning the night into the day
You’ve gone away enough, when will you decide to stay

My trouble with everything always is nothing’s just right
Just to figure out nothing could keep you awake half the night
Not to know what you want is a terrible thing you should fight
You just suffer for the face of the dark while you wait for the light

- Mirah

this is exactly how i feel about life right now. there’s so much to do, and i can’t decide where to start, so i keep letting everything else get in the way. i end up only letting myself do the things i want to do in the middle of the night when i should be sleeping, because i spend the day not doing the things i know i want.

and nothing’s ever just right. i’m always distracted, it’s never warm enough, i’m never well rested and fed and ready. i just need to begin and stop waiting. stop holding myself to impossible standards and waiting for perfection. i need to remember the manifesto and do what i want.

i thought it would be different
but even then i was me

sometimes it scares me how everything starts to make sense. the books i’m reading are saying the same things as the music i’m listening to, and i’m thinking things only just before i hear them in a song. all straight lines circle sometime.