the history house

butt babies

avandee — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 08:52:14 +0000

every time i make a big poop i’m reminded of just how little i want to give birth.

fissures

avandee — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 08:19:21 +0000

it’s funny when i start to miss things i never thought i would. there are the big moments when i say, “dang, i need to remember this.” but mostly it’s all the tiny, seemingly insignificant moments that compile into one big impression of a time, a place. and then i miss you all and what we had. and i wonder if i’ll ache this way forever, and if the crumbling pieces of my heart will continue to break off when i think of each time, each place, each feeling i’ll never quite have again. if the aching will just grow until it swallows me whole, or if it will form snaking fissures across my insides until i fall to pieces one afternoon, lost in thoughts of things gone.

The sleepies

avandee — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 07:27:54 +0000

I love staying up late. I can’t help it; I just do. For some inexplicable reason, I always feel most productive, most inspired to do those things I always dream of, at night. And not just when it’s dark. Actually, when the sun first goes down I feel bummed, and utterly incapable of accomplishing most things. But give it four or five hours, when I’ve passed lethargic and sleepy, and I’m suddenly ready to get shit done. I might have been tired all day, and ready to sleep since 8, but if I’m up after midnight, I won’t be able to lay down. All the things on my to do list, all the things that are so constant and too depressing to be on my to do list because I never do them, come flooding forth, and it’s time. Only, I’m tired. Things can’t be done fully this late at night, and I’m not one to start projects, put them down, and come back to them. I need to have a marathon and do it all at once, or not at all.

I bet mornings would be great for me; I know they would, I just can’t wrench myself away from my dreams. I know it’s a terrible cycle. I know if I got more sleep, went to bed earlier, getting up at a reasonable morning hour would be more realizable. I know. I just can’t seem to do it.

But daylight. Being awake early seems even more necessary now that it’s dark at 5. Literally. Four hours of daylight on days I’m not working just isn’t okay. I could envision myself in some alternate universe: getting up in the actual morning, drinking tea, having time to read, lounge around the living room, work on projects before it’s time to do the things I need to do. Time to myself. Time to myself! As it is now, I wake up when I need to – for work or social engagements, and am fucking going all day doing lord knows what, coming home or finding myself actually being done with whatever well after midnight. Maybe I feel so inclined to do things at night because it’s the first time in any given day that I am alone, or letting my brain slow down enough to think its own thoughts.

Dang, ok. We’re getting to it: the same conclusion I draw every time. Not taking time for myself, slowing down, taking care of myself. Going and going going going going going going. Thanks, Grandma, for the FOMO gene. My eternal fear of missing out gets the best of me every time. But I like saying yes, I like my friends and having fun with them, and every time I do it is worth it. I just need to find a balance, I guess. A way to do both.

I could see mornings lending themselves a lot more to time to oneself, since social shit is always later in the day. Okay, that’s compelling. Having a daytime to myself in addition to an evening of friends sounds pretty ideal. Given, I’ll have to make myself go to bed and lose my precious hours of delirium. I do think it’s useful. I lose a lot of insecurity once it’s late and the crazies set in. But maybe I can figure that out during the day too. Then my oh shit, but you might fail brain kicks in. Fuck you, fail brain, I probably won’t fail at doing what most people do every day. I never have been good at establishing routines, but, honestly, I’ve never tried very hard. Or at all. At most things. Time to try, I guess.

o.hai. things a…

avandee — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 05:38:53 +0000

o.hai. things are getting cold up here and i have a million pictures to post but i never come on the internet. my life is tired and busy with fun, which is nice. the leaves are on fire in the best way, and i’m kind of excited that i can’t feel my nose. crit crit turned three and the country is occupied. i’m surprised i haven’t heard more “pre-occupied” jokes.

i might be learning to bang on a drum, and am eternally planning trips that won’t happen for months. but it’s okay – i’m happy to be here.

ramshackle glory has been playing in my head for days, so, in the spirit of that, here’s this:

no one’s gonna stop you from dying young, and miserable, and right, but if you want something better, you gotta put that shit aside.

laughing indoors

avandee — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 06:02:38 +0000

up late listening to Deathcab for the firsttimeinalongtime because i want to feel certain ways. unable to write, or consistently forgetting how. forgetting how to try’s more like it. forgetting i have this thing. oops!

And I’ve always fallen fast

with too much trust in the promising

that

“No ones ever been here, so you can quell those wet fears”

avandee — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 02:16:48 +0000

today i thought, as i stood back and gazed upon the gleaming emptiness of its chilled belly, “this refrigerator is a testament to my prowess as a professional cleaner.” a shining beacon in the dinginess of this unwashed earth.

Bumtown Comedown

avandee — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 05:11:29 +0000

I haven’t listened to new music in so long it’s pathetic. I got a billion new albums from Philly Jay two-thirds of a year ago, and have yet to listen to all but one or two of them. Sadly, they are jumbled among my other music and I can’t remember which I even got from where. I think I need to resolve to remedy that. Part of me wants to go through my music collection alphabetically, listening to every album I haven’t fully digested. That’s so different from how I usually do music though – getting enamored with one album and listening to it on repeat, wanting it to be all I hear.

On a slightly related note, per my other resolution, I’m a bit behind but not too terribly. I’ve read five books this year. Hilariously, four of the five have dealt heavily with magic. I first read The Magicians, by Lev Grossman, and its sequel, The Magician King, a few months later, with an interlude for a re-reading of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows before the release of the eighth and final movie. Whereas I was an HP fan before, I am pretty much obsessed now. Granted, re-reading the books immediately before seeing the movie was a terrible idea. I was incensed at the watering down of so many characters, the omission of several powerful non-time consuming lines, and, of course, several stirring story lines. Well, it was a good movie anyway, it just shouldn’t be compared to the book.

More books and music plz!

new york city, center of the universe.

avandee — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 03:20:43 +0000

and #1 summer destination of my life, though why i come here every year when it’s blistering i’ll never know. i am right in the middle of the aforementioned epic road trip: montreal down, ithaca to go. so far it’s been a lot slower, and i guess more chill, than anticipated. i feel like it’s just beginning in earnest now that i’m in brooklyn and laughing and walking among buildings.

i probably miss you

avandee — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 18:37:06 +0000

i literally forgot this thing existed. life swept me up a bit, i guess, which is probably a good thing. the sun went away after my last post. it stormed intensely for six weeks, it got down into the 30s again in May. June came with crazy heat.

as for my non-resolution challenge, i certainly haven’t read four and a half books, but i have read two and a half. so i’m not exactly on the one-a-month schedule (at all), but am doing much better than last year. after Tar Baby i read The Magicians, which was an awesome existential anti-fantasy. imagine a Harry Potter-esque college, with a backdrop of the Chronicles of Narnia, only magic is tedious and painstaking and there is (seemingly) no battle between good and evil to define your existence.

spurred by that reading, and the upcoming final movie, i’ve decided to re-read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows before July 15th. i forgot how much i love these books.

aside from that, summer has begun in earnest. people are in and out of town, berries are all over, and the main question each day is where to go swimming.

if the first half (!!) of this year is any indication, i have a feeling this summer is going to fly. i’m excited to take lots of pictures, particularly when Florida invades town for a certain folk punk festival, when i go on an epic road trip and visit Canada for the first time, and generally have a great fucking time enjoying small town summer.

My life lately

avandee — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 03:25:42 +0000

told through photos.